Campus looks pretty empty when my brother drove me back. There wasn't any pretty sunset and everything looked plain and dull. Old faculty buildings with paint peeling and green grey moss growing from its cracks made the entire scenery looked duller. Eerie, quiet, plain and dull. It was around seven-ish that I got back. My place was really quiet and I felt relieved when I started taking myself up the flight of familiar staircase back to my own room.
I felt a little lonely though. It's like, this kinda place, where there's nobody around, no family, no friends; and you're just all by yourself. But I feel at peace. No one to influence my decisions, no one to tell me what to do. I went to sleep around five a.m., savouring my every bit of freedom without having anyone to shout and scold me in the middle of the dead night. Of course, the only set back is is that I'm not connected to the world. I'm all alone in my room (with my room mate) and yeah, I'm literally seperated from the world.
Waking up today was good. I kinda missed my lousy bed in campus that gives me hell of a bodyache every time I wake up from it. I looked at my cellphone, 1:30 p.m. Ahhh... Life. What's more better than to have you own time to wake and sleep and do your own things that you enjoy most? I heard the distant roaring thunder and I hurried up to get dressed and head to my faculty's computer lab before the rain starts pouring heavily.
Coming back to this fantasy of reality, I felt like I'm being myself all over again. Yeah... I like life here. The only setback: Disconnection from the world.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Campus looks pretty empty when my brother drove me back. There wasn't any pretty sunset and everything looked plain and dull. Old faculty buildings with paint peeling and green grey moss growing from its cracks made the entire scenery looked duller. Eerie, quiet, plain and dull. It was around seven-ish that I got back. My place was really quiet and I felt relieved when I started taking myself up the flight of familiar staircase back to my own room.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 2:43 PM
Monday, October 30, 2006
After one week of staying at home, the arguments and quarrels resumes its routine. I've had enough and I'm going back to campus.
I'd rather live without the Internet than to hear nonsense and having to debate on my own decisions and what I want to do in the house. I find it displeasing to know that my dad said this, "This is my house, I bought it and so, I set the house rules." It's also just like saying, "without me fucking your mom, you won't be here, so I set your life and how to live it." Another one which I found it pretty amusing, "I know I'll lose to you on your arguments because you study Psychology..." WTF?! So, are you saying that you're regretting funding me for my Psych studies then? Whatever it is, I'm gonna try harder to get my ass out of this place. I'm so sick and tired of it.
I'm coming back on Sunday though cuz there's another invitation to go to the Adachi's residences, the old Japanese couple that I'm friends with.
Have a great week!
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 3:40 PM
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Ever since I stumbled upon reading up Malaysia's dark history via Wikipedia, I couldn't help but keep digging up for more 'truths' about Malaysia's politics and dirty tricks. I dislike politics but I enjoy reading about them. Today's local papers again show what the Malaysian Government is capable of doing. Apparently, a foreign couple that was holidaying in Pulau Langkawi got caught in a 2am raid by religious authorities. Defending their views that they are Christians and are not subjected to be compliant to the Islamic law, religious authorities brush their remarks aside and demanded for a proof that they were marriage (marriage certificate). Wife traumatized and sent back to the States and the couple was immediately turned off with their plans of adopting the "Malaysia, My Second Home" project. Husband demanded compensation for losses amounting to nearly RM 5,000 (wife's airticket) and a written letter of apology from the authorities themselves.
Clearly, the issue regarding Malaysia is, if it's not religion then it's racial. I'm actually anticipating the next General Election in 2008. It'll be the first time where I'll cast a vote but I'm more interested in seeing a bigger winnings of the opposition in the next election. I heard that the last general election was purely bought out.
So, I've done quite a bit of reading about the recent issue over Mahathir versus Abdullah Badawi. It seems that Abdullah is not smart enough to cough up answers in regards to the ever growing fishy pungent smell coming from under the carpet. Sweep it all under the rugs and you'll see a fair share of dirt sooner or later. Initially, the 'advertisement' (election campaign) championed by Abdullah's son defined him as a better ruler compared to the iron fist Mahathir. Well, misconceptions always occur. I thought the new PM was cleaning out Mahathir's dirty closet of skeletons. But now, it seems that he opened it, saw the skeletons dancing inside it and decide to just continue on. What's more it seems the obvious retractment of certain developmental projects and approval of other projects leads us to ponder and be suspicious of the upper hand management within the Parliament, in which the Parliament's functionality lies within the 'broad' spectrum of racial and monetary issues.
If the Parliament should be set to be broadcasted every week, I would definitely tune into it, get popcorn and soda and watch the comedy come alive. And I'll think, it's heaps way better than weekly Parliamentary seatings in Britain. Yeah, and I'll write about what I hear and observe. Highly informative for citizens clouded in confusion. That's the reason why weekly Parliamentary meetings are not broadcasted live. Keep all of us unaware of the corruption and beauraucracy. But we know it already, so why hide?
I found it interesting that even some of the Malays (probably middle-class citizens) who doesn't even want to be associated with all these bullshit that the Government is conspiring. Now, I'm thinking, who's actually the bad sheep? I think it's the politicians that polluted our minds to make us think that the Government is trying very hard to pull off the racial harmony stint, helping everyone. But no... Money is siphoned into their own pockets right down to their very throats so they don't talk about it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but hasn't this been going on for a long time? How come nobody wants to go contend and challenge these bastards? Oh wait, I think it happened and that's why 1969 happened. I don't know if Anwar Ibrahim was a real case of sodomization (even if it was, hey, we have gay bishops) or a setup to shut the truth from the public's face.
So there we go. But I read about Malaysia's Global Competitiveness Index and it was quite positive and I hope by 2008's election, a new reigning party would assume position to filter and clean the system. I believe Malaysia is of great potential if we have a leader who really strives for a vision for the nation's pride. For when it is about the individual's pride and its own kind, the fight for the true Malaysian spirit cease to exist. In the end, we only bicker about who should be holding higher perentage in equity shares for bumiputras and whine about how the chinese stole and robbed their economy. Bullshit.
Boy, I'm feeling politically correct tonight. After reading people's sentiments on the Internet (I worship the Internet), I feel that there's no room for me to actually contribute to a nation that's heading towards the edge of the cliff.
I'm out of ideas and busily wandering in my own business.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 1:26 AM
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Back a few nights ago, I was kinda invited to meet up with old friends from high school. Well, it felt more like, "Do you wanna hop on or not?" But thank goodness, nobody called me in the end. That one particular friend who just last minute decided to call me (guess I'm so "important") "promised" to call and he called me an anti-social. Well, call me a bitch or whatever but I don't drive and if you want me to go out at night, come pick me up. There's no way I can drive out at night.
So, I slept early last night. I've been contemplating issues on my future. The main question was, "Am I gonna take the risk to fly into some country and find a job there?" I'm not worried about the plane ticket, food or accomodation. Most importantly, what kind of job will I get when I go over?
The Mac Book Pro is too costly in Malaysia. It's well over RM 10,000 at local Apple stores. Damnit... It's a nice note book but it costs way too much.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 10:19 AM
Friday, October 27, 2006
I came across this article and became rather interested about it as it talked about Malaysia's state of democracy. It all started out when our ex Deputy PM got 'caught' for participating in unnatural sexual act (sodomization) and was jailed for it. There were many conspiracies behind this event being that Dr. M was afraid of the influential power of Anwar and that his indiscrepencies would be caught red handed and officiated through world wide news about the 'legalized' corruption. Yes. In fact, corruption was rampant when Dr. M took seat to become PM. But it was within those years that Dr. M sought to push and seek ways for better racial interaction. His plans were devious but it was a need to make sure everyone became happy after that. 1969 never really got out of the people's mind. It lingers on until today where individual ethnic differences were kept under a low whispering breath.
I remembered when Dr. M decided to reconsider entrance to higher education institutions in the country which previously was restricted by racial quota was rejected totally by the UMNO. It prevails until today. Even though the politicians say it is purely meritocracy now (entrance is based on academic results), results weren't fantastical to see any form of improvement within the higher education institutions locally. The sole rejection to the meritocracy system was plain simple. Backed out by many politically incorrect terms, the Malays were just afraid of their Chinese minority that 'stole' the economy. According to the latest updates by the Government, the PM himself declared that the Bumiputras only own a mere 20 percent of the local economy. But NGO's said they have already owned about 45 percent of it. So, who is putting up the truth for advertisement? One can only wonder what is the Government actually trying to do; cracking more jokes for the international scene to laugh and bicker about.
I guess the political game of meritocracy versus racial quota entry for students into local higher education institutions was evident in the latest world rankings of universities. Apparently, the century old university (which was no. 1 forever) in Malaysia ranked lower than the newly established university (mine!!) that's only about 35 years old. What happened? Speculations arose and the Government just kept quiet. Even the prestigious university itself kept quiet about this issue. I still remembered that a small ruckus struck that particular university when its world rankings fell drastically. They manage to patch it back but right now, it's about time truth speaks it's story.
The current PM won't last long and I don't have high hopes for his predecessors. They're a bunch of hardcore racist. One of them, Hishamuddin. The one who strongly opposed Mahathir's suggestion on reconsidering the racial quota system for higher education institution entrance.
Well, I need to know more about history. It seems that history can tell and predict the outcome of a future. I don't know what happened to have such Constitution drafted out that symbolizes the obvious foul cry of unequality. Apart from Africa's Arpartheid, I don't know where else in the world that publicly professes and announces its shame of unequality.
As for me, it's about time to start thinking about my own future and not my country anymore. Everyone seems to be up for their own gains. I cannot be bothered to be patriotic about my coutry. I only envy those who lives in a country and loves their country. Until then, I'm only affiliated to my country just because my national identification is of this country. The joke within my own kind is that if Malaysia ever goes out to war, the Chinese will be the one that will flee the country. Many of those who can afford a PR has left the country and never returned simply because the Government said in their own actions, "We don't need you." Then, we can only say, "Good luck to you and may you all be prosperous."
Malaysia's growth for now has been moving slowly ever since Mahathir stepped down. We don't have a leader with a vision anymore for the country but only a vision for their own kind to prosper. They think of us as parasites and day light robbers. But that's an excuse to cough up just because we took initiative to work harder and look for opportunity. You see, this is what happenes after half a century of independence. They turn lazy because of the privelleges you get. They just don't need to lift a finger and they can have everything. As the world progresses on, there won't be anymore Bumiputra rights when it is globalized. That time, we shall see who's pride is at stake.
Mahathir's concerns are genuine as he starts his own criticisms on Abdullah's governance. I can imagine how heart broken I would be if the things that I built are slowly being teared down. But I know, his tactics are not clean but it is the only way to ensure a win-win situation between races of different kinds. Without him writing The Malay Dilemma, there won't be enough minorities to back him out. Without him shaking hands underneath the table, his own kind would think he's betraying them.
Whatever it is, Malaysia's a good country to tour and shop and hunt for food. That's just about it.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 2:59 PM
Just when I thought time will slip by where it becomes numbing dull, my senses awoke to the shrill scream of my mother that vibrated through the upper floor of the house.
"If you want to continue being treated like a child, we'll treat you like one..."
"Stop studying and stop wasting your dad's money..."
If words like these doesn't wound the already broken heart, I must be already dead by now. I can only hope for a better day when the sun will just keep shining at my doorstep. I'm holding it until another few more months to come. I wonder what will it be like when I start working. If things will still repeat itself, I might as well take the kitchen knife and slice my wrists apart.
I feel broken. I feel lost. Is there not anything in the world I can do? Not even at home? If I was still up at this hour and partying away, then there's a reason to nag and scold for hanging out with the wrong kind of people (IF). But I'm just being a good girl, sitting at home and only being a little addicted to the computer.
It shows that it's about time to head back to campus. When my mother can't stand seeing me sitting in front of the computer and starts nagging, that's when I have to head back.
Hurt. I don't know what else to describe what I feel now. I just feel like disappearing again. I just feel like being non-existant. I just feel like running away. I want to run... My mother, she said, "go". I want to. One day. Soon enough.
And at this hour of darkness when the night starts to whisper again, I can only think of retiring back into my own room where I will cry my heart out, wishing for a better day. I can still hear those high pitched screams in my head. My skin tingles and I felt a chill down my spine. I'm really hurt.
Probably this is what a twenty-two year old goes through... Being scold at and treated like a ten year old. It is as though staying up at night is a sin. Maybe in this house, it is... That's why I can hear those hurtful remarks... Over and over again...
Will I forever be stuck in a rut? Trapped here forever?
My life's so pathetic.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 2:44 AM
I spent another unproductive day at home. It's already Friday and I haven't even touched my books. Exam's in another two more weeks. I've lost my drive to focus on my studies again, turning complacent. I wish there was a way where I can find out what I truly love to do. It seems that apart from wasting away time that will never resurrect, I don't know what else I realize in life that I would take notice of and do something.
If my life was granted a little more freedom, I'm sure I would've done super cool things.
See? My life is verbalized into these few words for this day.
Can anyone buy me a Mac Book Pro?
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 1:36 AM
Thursday, October 26, 2006
'My neighbours both have problems with their Chinese. They are successful, they are hardworking and, therefore, they are systematically marginalised, even in education. There are quotas to prevent you. So, you've got to make money to go abroad or go to one of the private universities which are being set up. And they want Singapore, to put it simply, to be like their Chinese, compliant. So,every time, we say 'No' to some scheme to knock down the Causeway and build a bridge, he says, 'Oh, you're not cooperative, you're only thinking of yourself'.'For no rhyme or reason, we knock down a Causeway, nearly 100 years old, which served us well. He wants to build a bridge because it looks pretty and he says ships will sail and his containers can move from the East Coast to the West Coast via this. But we saw no . . . So, we said, 'All right, if you give us commensurate benefits, we'll agree.'But you need a government who'll be able to, not only have the gumption, but the skill to say 'No' in a very quiet, polite way that doesn't provoke them into doing something silly.'
Lee Kuan Yew said this in his most frank and honest opinion on the current situation of Malaysia. What has Malaysia became I have no idea but I'm already forecasting that Malaysia won't see progress in overall development over the next decade or so. The racial/religion issue has become more sensitive these days. Back when Dr. M was still ruling, what we saw was corruption and sodomization. Hahaha... That was the only one time (and it'll never repeat again) that someone got sacked for sodomization. But still, I'd rather have corruption over racial and religious issues.
One thing I never liked about this country is that these issues are highly sensitive. Why can't they accept weakness and opt for change or a reshuffling of strategy? When they criticize about other people they do so very well but they themselves can never take on constructive criticisms. What Vision 2020 is all about has shattered, where politicians continues on the fiery debate about their own Malay pride against the nation's pride. The nation's pride is no longer the standing issue for economic growth and overall development of the nation. What is more important is the Islamization of the country and whatever NEP there is that claims equal benefits to the poor people. But the main objective of the NEP was clear: They need more bumiputras to gain control of the economy.
Yeah, in fact, I came to know about this issue after everything has happened. I wasn't aware of what had happened over the past one or two weeks as I didn't read the newspaper. You will know how to see a racist react to sensitve comments like what Lee Kuan Yew said. The way the PM reacted to his comments showed how afraid he is of the minority chinese and also what a racist he is. Anyway, the current PM has no brains for business, politics and economy. What good does an Islamic Studies degree do to govern the country anyway? Unless his strategy over the 9th Malaysia Plan is to strategically Islamize the entire nation, I don't see his usefulness in his authority being PM.
Once you go through government education like I do, you have the natural tendency to follow up with Malaysian politics. I never once knew I would be interested in this. I had a hard time keeping myself awake back in Sixth Form while I was studying for my General Paper. Yeah, it's interesting.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 1:44 AM
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I woke up early this morning by the soft beep of my cellphone. A message came in at an ungodly (by my standards) hour. It was eight! I saw that it was one of my guy friend that messaged me asking me how I was. At first, I thought of heading back to sleep and switching my phone to silent mode. Then, a nagging thought about me having no lunch today at home bothered. I didn't want to cook leftovers that was a few nights ago's dinner. I asked him if he would like to go out for movie and lunch and he agreed to it. It was kinda weird and awkward. For me, there's no other guy friend I'll ever really have except for my onii-chan. I told this guy friend of mine that I met up with onii-chan yesterday and he knew who he was. My onii-chan's one of the few popular guys around in university. Yes, I'm really privelleged to know him, what more, to be eating with him and hanging out with him. It's like high school again where the girls would just be envious over what I got. Hahaha... But I don't date my onii-chan. It's impossible.
We caught up, talked and there wasn't anything that we really shared in common. I thank God for the movie. At least I did not need to rack my brains for conversations. At the lunch table however, I had to try to initiate conversations. It's difficult... I asked him about his job, his current love affairs, general matters... It's not that I found him a boring person but it was really weird to be catching up and talking with him. We got to know each other in Japanese class back when he was still studying. That's all. Unlike my onii-chan, we go a long way. Not that long, but enough for me to be always enjoying his company and always looking forward to future moments when we can sit down, eat and talk again.
Life is quite different from different people's views. This particular guy friend of mine that I went out with today, I don't really see that fire in his eyes to be aggressive at the work place. It's like, there's nothing interesting to talk about his job. Is it because only interesting things happen at banks? I don't think so. I guess you can tell a person who likes his job and a person who doesn't like his job. I hope I'll end up with a job which is totally new to me but I'll enjoy the challenge to it. Like my onii-chan's job, I might think I'll like it because it's about trading, which I think it's very interesting. Lately, I'm very keen on these financial aspects to business. Whether it's due to influences surrounding me, I've got no idea but definitely it stirred my interest because it's challenging enough.
I don't look forward to a 9-5 job where job will always be routinal. It's boring.
Gotta go figure out what's for dinner.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 4:30 PM
A fresh graduate from the apparently most prestegious university in Malaysia walked into a bank asking for job sometime back. It had been a rough year that he was searching for a job and he just couldn't secure it. With dark tanned skin, he enetered the neatly decorated office room of the manager in charge. With thick carpet that absorbed his every click of the heel as he take precatious steps towards the desk in front of him, he felt as though he was going to be swallowed whole within this room. What can you do when you have nothing you can offer to the company except a degree for qualification as proof that you are capable of delivering profits to the company itself.
Steadying his posture, he extended his regards to the manager in charge. He passed on his portfolio that represented his hard years earning all the qualifications. It was his sweat and blood that he shed for it. The manager took a look and threw his portfolio on the ground. "Tell me why should I even employ you that's only a local grduate?"
His heart sank deep down inside. With controlled emotions, he picked up his own certificate and spoke softly and asked, "You must be rich, aren't you? Because only the rich people can afford an education abroad. Unlike me... I'm only a labourer's son. To have entered university and to graduate with a degree, it has done our faily proud."
The manager looked at him up and down with elevator eyes, scanning the every bit and part of his neatly ironed collared shirt. He avoided his eyes that were filled with hurt, frustrations, anger and confusion. It hinted a sense of self-dignity and a call for respect for such a young person that challenged the manager's very own beliefs and views. After a brief moment of unnecessary silence, the manager asked him the next and final question, "So, when will you be able to work?"
His career started off with the humility and self-dignity of a poor labourer's son. He's now successful and has worked there over 32 years. People questioned why he never found a better job opportunity or offer and he only gave a humble answer, "I owed it to this company for giving me a job after one year's worth of uncertainty."
This is based on a true story that really happened some time back ago. It's not an accurate recount of history but it was something that happened along the way on that particular day. I pondered on what does it truly takes for you to be marketable in the job market. I've read quite a bit on my own research that I'm intending to do on trust, personality and motivation. It seems that organizations these days are very focused on ethical aspects of work, pro-social behaviour, citizenship behaviour and other positive aspects of character and attitude not related to your job skill/description and responsibility. The other day as well, PETRONAS came to my university and gave a few of us a career opportunity (obviously at their company) talk and the speaker talked about her upcoming project proposed by her upper management to develop a test to gauge honesty.
To be marketable, it's not about offering the cheapest bid so that the company can just hire you because you asked for a lower salary. It's also not about your qualifications that are important. But of course qualifications is the first step to get yourself in the interview. Afterwards, it's all about yourself. My onii-chan said it's all about attitude. Whatever it is in working life, it's about attitude.
He told me that recently, his department had a graduate from UM and he was pissed off because of his attitude that the freshie expected to be spoon fed with information regarding his job. If you don't take the initiative to be independant, you won't be able to survive in the working world for long.
It's interesting to learn about the working world from my onii-chan. His stories are always twisted with his own sense of humour and I always enjoyed listening to it. I met him up today for dinner. It was a surprise since he suddenly called me out of the blues. I totally forgotten about his birthday and when I was showering and getting ready for him to pick me up, I suddenly remembered about his birthday. I quickly showered and went to the nearest Secret Recipe cake shope and bought him his favourite banana chocolate cake. He only eats that kinda of cake. Same goes with me as well. Only banana chocolate's my favourite. Over the phone he 'threatened' me to pay for his meal. At the end, I went to the ATM to get some cash out but... he paid again. I think it's the third time he paid for my meal. The first time I think was at Genki Sushi. Second time was at Pizza Hut and now, Marche's at The Curve. Food ain't that great over there but the concept and ambience's interesting. It looked liked a small market bazaar where you can order fresh raw food and they cook it for you. It's like instead of having to buy your own grocery for dinner, you can just buy grocery there and they cook it for you! Hassle-free of having to prepare and wash and clean. Well, but I don't mind doing the cooking and cleaning when I have my darling around. Hahahahaha!!!
At the counter, he took out his credit card. I didn't offer to fight for the bill. I told myself that I will pay next time for his meal when I start working. His someone that I'll never want to forget. To me, he's someone special as well. Hahaha!
Yeah... It's been an interesting day. It started off with me waking up an hour before my appointment with the Japanese people and a whole entire day of bumming to an evening worth keeping as a memory. Yeah, I had Japanese food for lunch. I went over to their place and spent time talking to them and learning more about Japanese cuisne, dishes and miscellaneous things. I was suppose to be dining alone like a pathetic fool (cooking leftovers from the fridge) and talking to the dog. Lucky me, I got a call. Thanks!! My brother had appointment for dinner with his friends and so yeah... If it wasn't for onii-chan, I would've been a lonely pathetic person. The whole entire point to why having and maintaining LDR's tough. You need to be able to cope up with these downsides. You can't expect to be asking your boyfriend to come by and pick you up and go somewhere nice for dinner. I don't look forward or expect much in this particular relationship though. All I'm concerned is how I can encourage him and how he always encourages me. It's like... being really good friends. Yeah... I think it's like that.
So, my parents are away for the weekend. If I was a wild kid, I would've been out partying. But naah... I stay home and be good. My brother's computer's infected with a stupid virus that cannot be removed by conventional anti-virus scan. My only source of entertainment disappeared. Right now, I don't dare do anything apart from checking mails, blogging and that's about it. I called onii-chan to thank him for dinner after I called my boyfriend. I'm still contemplating on this issue whether I should be using the term 'boyfriend'. It feels both like being really good friends and lovers. Hahahaha.... Anyhow, I still am happy to be with him and to have know him. He makes me feel like myself. He loves me being smart.
Yeahh.... He said that it was a surprise to be hearing from me. Hahaha... Yeah, it was really a surprise alright. I need a calling card soon. My bill's gonna blow my parent's head off.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 2:20 AM
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I have not been up to write here. Maybe because I've lost some juices for writing. So, there's nothing much to be updated on. Everything's just like normal. The haze's still around, making me becoming lazier and unmotivated to go for evening jogs. My research proposal is still like a sitting duck, waiting to be completed. Two weeks of study break to finish my studies... =.=;;;;;;;
Yeah. I'll write later.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 1:01 PM
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I had a lousy dream this morning. It left a foul distaste to my taste buds for thoughts. While in the dream, my housemate (everything in this world is a love-hate relationship) challenged my professional knowledge against her know-it-all attitude where she thinks being "jack of all trades" is considered a knowledgable person.
I used to have that cocky attitude to think that being "jack of all trades" is an asset and it made me confident to think that I know so much that I'm worth way much more compared to my peer counterparts. Unfortunately, this is not really the case. It takes more initiative to learn to be humble than to be ho-humm.
That dream kinda made me frustrated a little because it's one of the first few times that I have friends who intimidates me. I don't really want to speak my two cents worth of opinion because my two cents is probably worth nothing to that friend.
They come in all kinds of packages.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 2:22 PM
Monday, October 16, 2006
The days slowly and quickly sail by silently. In the wee hours of the morning, it took forever for bright day light to peek out from the corners of the earth's horizon, changing the black abyss to a purple blue bruise into a dull blue, hazy morning. The haze is still around. I don't really dare to go out for a jog for the fear of suffering from a runny nose, scratchy throat or whatever that's being reported in papers about haze victims.
It rained a whole lot yesterday but the haze just wouldn't go away. It's like a mother's wasted effort to clean up her child's room that's always strewn in a messy fashion; toys here, clothes there, laundry everywhere. I just hope that the haze will clear soon so I can at least go for evening jogs during my two weeks study break. I've put on weight since the haze decided to stay and linger around Malaysian air and weather. I don't know why nobody gives a damn about this prevailing problem when the implications of it is damaging. People of the world are more interested in the nuclear issue that so far killed people in power plant blasts, wars and overdose of radiation. So, a shortening life span is not really important I guess... I know I read about countries affected by the haze that are pressing Indonesia to sign a memorandum for an agreement to stop the haze, but I don't know what are the updates so far.
I was out and away for the whole entire day evaluating First-Aid practical tests. It's a tiring job and I thank God that this semester's gonna come to an end, currently sitting at it's final fourteenth week. When I came back, I set my cellphone to vibration mode and it got irritating when people still are messaging me and the vibration was disturbing my sleep that I'm being deprived of the day before. I switched to silent mode and I slept silently until the room light was switched on.
Sometimes, when you live with other people, you have to tolerate their insensitivity. My room mate knows I'm easily disturbed in sleep when there's noise and light. She however can sleep with noise and light. Anywayz, I woke up and saw miss calls. Darling called. It always have to happen at the time when I'm always inconvenient. I wonder if that's call no-fate cuz it has happened in other situations as well. *worries* Well, I watch a little too much TV... He called back again later on and we talked for quite some bit. Nice to hear his voice. Nice to know that I'm sitting in the middle of October, under my warm, warm feathered quilt and talking to him. It's also nice to know that November will pass by really fast when I anticipate for my stupid finals.
It was a cold night last night. When I got out from bed, I was freezing. I went back to bed and curled myself up again. Then, he called. Then, I got all warm and fuzzy. Then, I was happy and from an empty mind, he took me on a stroll down memory lane, reminiscing the moments we were together. Then, I stood up most of the night, mind filled and inspired, wrote quite a bit for my research proposal: Trust, Personality and Motivation.
I'm super hungry... I don't even have enough money now to buy lunch. I need to go back and cook something... I'm so poor it sounds so pathetic that I've left money that's not even enough for lunch. Hahaha...
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 1:18 PM
Saturday, October 14, 2006
sudoku! I completed my first puzzle yesterday in I/O Psych class... Mwahahaa!!!
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 7:20 PM
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
The entire world knows the spending power of women. We grow weak in our knees and we sink ourselves in retail therapy and curse our deficiency when we overdrew our accounts. The entire world knows as well how women will fall heads over heels in love with cute things. Hence, visit www.hoopsandyoyo.com. It's a trademark of Hallmark's innovative marketing strategy for online gift shopping. I'm addicted to the pink hoops and green yoyo. There's an extra character, blue in colour but I somehow forgotten that little creature's name.
It reminded me very much of Happy Tree Friends though; the cute characters. But at least, what's better in hoops & yoyo is that they can talk, they crack lame jokes, make funny noises and it's suitable for kids. Happy Tree Friends are for saddist who craves for the end to all cute and furry creatures in the most sick and terrible ways (decapitated and flying limbs, fountain of blood). The most horrible one I remembered well in my mind is the episode where one of the cute character sells lemonade. Bad thing happened and she lost an eyeball. She couldn't see and in the end, mistook the eyeball for a lemon and started slicing the eyeball and throwing it into the juicer. That really made me nauseous.
Today's newspapers highlighted mat rempit's secret ingredient (the 'viagra') in achieving their bravery and fearlessness in participating in dangerous racing and motorbike stunts. According to an unnamed mat rempit it's customary to drink a special fermented wine (?) (also known as tuak) so that they can start getting that high feeling to overcome their fear. They even say that in the state of being 'high', small narrow roads will seem wide. I really don't get it. What's this that the mat rempits are up to? It's like over night, their fame shot sky high and now, they can fearlessly race down empty highways and won't be caught for illegal racing?
Also, if mat rempits were truly future generation leaders of the country, they should be mature enough to think of what's good and what's not good. If putting your life at stake is a good thing, then I have nothing else to say. Today's newspapers even reported of a gang clash between two mat rempit clans and people were hurt. So, if they were leaders, they will solve misunderstandings with physical violence then.
I'm still at home today.
hoops & yoyo!
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 12:45 AM
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I was full of disappointment when I read about today's newspapers regarding the 3,800 mat rempits that registered with the UMNO. WTF?! Just because some UMNO Youth decide to think that illegal racing and illegal motorbike stunts is good for the country and that these minorities are badly misunderstood is simply bullshit. Merely for political gains. What the hell are these people up to? These are school leavers with nothing to do and contributing mainly to the traffic accidents of the country. Some are left to be vegetables for life and some are left paralysed, physically disabled and retarded.
Then, what's more, the government thinks cyber cafes must be curb to avoid unnecessary ill social activities and movements. I'd rather think that sitting in front of the computer is better than racing down empty roads in the middle of the night. It was last week when my brother was sending me back to campus that a young motorcyclist (who would think it's the other races apart from the Malays) was doing dangerous stunts on the road with cars around. My brother called them stupid people and I think they are pretty dumb to play with life.
I've put on quite a bit of weight already ever since I stopped exercising regularly. The haze has made me unable to continue my jogs at home now. Yep. The haze is back after a clear Saturday went by.
While I was at church today, I bumped into an aunty which out of the blues asked me if I was studying Psychology (I guess it's one of my mother's friends). I said yes and am in my final year. She was sort of lamenting on the fact that her daughter insisted on pursuing studies in Psychology and sounded disappointed with the decision made by her daughter. She said, she's having a 'headache' because of her daughter. I only smiled back at her and said there are various options when you study Psychology. Little did she know, it's actually an insult to me to think that Psychology's a lousy course to pursue. Well, it is if you don't know how to make use of it. But she didn't need to blatantly pour out her frustrations and indirectly insult me.
Well, it's a typical scene here. If your daughter/son is not studying accountancy, finance, medicine, pharmacy, dentistry, engineering, law (or any other professional courses), it takes up a huge chunk of your happiness as a parent. Old greying hair will appear more frequently and wrinkles doesn't seem to work with all the anti-ageing cream anymore. I wonder why it is bad to study non-professional courses. Well, it's not that it's non-professional. It's just a little different from the typical norm.
Which brought me to think... I might want to go into part-time ministry when I start working. I feel God's calling and it's a scary thing. Well even though I'm not an avid believer... I shall not think about it too much now. What's more important: MY DAMN THESIS!!!! I need to finish my proposal by this week, proof read by my supervisor and I can start doing my research in December.
It looks gloomy out there. The haze has worsened, all thanks to our beloved neighbour that blew their hugs and kisses to our country. When will the Indonesian government take action against these polluters? It's shortening our life span, contributing to a long-term effect of illness and diseases which will take up a chunk of our country's economy and medical expenses. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But it'll clog up our lungs!
It just came to my mind that the government is implementing a lot of so-called 'executive' courses to the unemployed graduates to train them to be more marketable and employable. I'm afraid that I might fall into that category of hopelessness. Do they have these kind of courses in other countries? These courses that are conducted aren't that cheap as well. There was once where unemployed grads who undergo these courses are paid to attend as well at a small sum of 300 (for allowances). Well, all thanks to spoon feeding, these graduates will never know how to be independent. I'm praying hard that I won't fall into this category.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 3:27 PM
This is the latest nail art that I've done. Hahahaha!!!
This was on Tuesday when I played lanterns and litted candles at my room's balcony. I had nothing to do.
Sunday... Will have to drag myself to church. Don't have classes on Monday. Meeting with the Japanese has been cancelled and there's holiday on Tuesday. But... I have a talk on Monday that I think I should go...
Had mamak just now with my friend. Wasted my energy jogging just now. All spent on high-calorie food.
Go to bed...
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 1:32 AM
Saturday, October 07, 2006
When I come back home, I really don't do anything. The haze has left my country and while jogging around my neighbourhood, I looked up the blue skies and the gentle sea of clouds like still ocean waves. Instead of its silvery lining, the evening sunset painted it orange gold. It was really pretty.
I've kinda lost my stamina in jogging. My stomach didn't feel well as well so I couldn't do it for long. My whole body was drenched in both cold sweat and perspiration after the jog. I noticed that whenever I jog, my lower abdomen would go into a cramp. I feel that my intestines are not in good shape. Clogged with too much waste. Hahaha...
Lately, I'm hooked onto Taiwanese drama. Now, I'm currently watching It Started with a Kiss. It's a really cute drama unlike the previous ones I've watched.
Boring Saturday. No where to go...
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 8:24 PM
Mid-Autumn festival or more commonly known as Mooncake festival among the locals here in Malaysia since all we do is eat mooncakes (they come in really pretty boxes) and play lanterns and candles and try to burn a tree; falls on Friday, today. I stayed at home. Did nothing. Saw my babe online. Read my text book. Watched Prison Break (kinda boring but it's cool to see a tattoo drawn on the entire upper torso which was a map of the prison itself). No friends around, nobody to hang out with and all I can think of is nice weather in another country.
Haze is back again but it wasn't that bad that it called for an emergency (daruratI) like last year. The haze kinda make me think that the city's like Genting Highlands now in another 100 years to come when global warming takes a disastarous toll on earth. Yeah, more burning of candles, lanterns and trees. It'll keep the haze going for a while.
Read local newspapers. My university is now ranked first in Malaysia! Hooray! I'm suddenly proud to be in my university now even though I hate the language so much. It also jumped in world rankings to 185 I think from 200+++. Beat Malaysia's oldest university! Mwahahaha!!! DAP politician Lim Kit Siang has got more things to say about discrimination in Malaysia! Mwahahaha!!! What meritocracy? What equal opportunity? Mwahahah!!! I haven't been reading the newspapers but Malaysia is definitely a shame. I heard as well that Lee Kuan Yew was giving his two cents worth on the state of the Chinese people in Malaysia and the PM didn't take it too well and asked for a letter of justification for the words that Lee Kuan Yew spoke. What a big joke man. It's just so plain obvious that the Malays (ruling government) are doing nothing to help the country. They are shooing the rest of the non-Malays to other country. I don't doubt that Malaysian's education system is perfect but they do produce a bunch of intelligent and bright students. Malaysian Government is kind to provide us with cheap education all the way but, they don't know how to appreciate what's more valuable: their own selfish pride or the country's pride. It's like having paid for all your children's education to be given away to another family for free, just like what's happening now; the brain drain phenomenon.
I'm back home again and I had lotsa good food just now. The month of fasting for the Muslims began like last week I think and I had lemang dipped with beef rendang, murtabak, and one particular kuih which I have no idea what name it is (it's green on the outside with coconut sprinkles and melted gula melaka inside it). These are the few of my favourites during the fasting month (I only discovered the green coloured kuih like last week).
12th week is up. Exactly 2 more weeks before my semester ends. My proposal has not even moved one bit.
Yepz! Happy today! I think it's because I just painted my nails last night and it looks really nice!
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 12:46 AM
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
The entire day yesterday, I suffered from nothing-to-do depression. Symptoms included: feeling lousy, unproductive, being too free and sleeping too much. I switched my phone to silent mode so I won't receive any calls or messages. I wanted to get away from university's work. It's so irritating when you have a last-minute group assignment being thrown to do (all thanks to the lecturer who decided to give us last minute...) and we've discussed on the distribution of work and ending up, me doing everything!!!... It makes me boil.
I'm too nice. I did everything today. We're suppose to search for 30 respondents to tabulate data for some survey. Looks like tonight I'm gonna enjoy working. It's been a while since I worked until late at night doing something. Hahaha... As much as I hate it that I have to do everything, I like to do it to keep my nagging thoughts off the hook for a moment. I think too much sometimes you see...
Yesterday, I felt a little lonely as well. I wasted my entire day re-watching the last few episodes of the Taiwanese drama, La Robe Marriage de Cieux, boiled crysnthaneum tea for everyone, and played lanterns at night at my room's balcony. Well, I like playing lanterns. The colourful glow of each lantern of different colour stirs up this emotion that's filled with love, longingness, loneliness and hopefulness. It takes me on a dream flight to wish on something for the future; for happiness and simplicity. Initially, I played alone, taking a few lanterns, litted and hung them. I lighted a few candles along the railing and watch them slowly burn and melt. Each candle had a different wax formation and... I wasn't feeling philosophical that night (I suffered from nothing-to-do depression, remember?) and I didn't think of its significance. Even right now, I'm still blank in my mind. I can't think.
Well, but not soon after, my housemate came out and played with me. I realized that time passed quite quickly as I watch the candles burned into beautiful ugly wax formations that stuck to the railing (I still haven't scrape it out). She litted a candle and said, "Feels kinda lonely when you play with candles". I had that same feeling as well but I pushed it to a corner. I was being wishful thinking about someday, I'll be having childish moments and to be able to share it with someone; with a new family. How nice!
Me and my housemate called another two friends to come over and I took out a mooncake, cut it and distributed it. I love playing host to small parties or gathering. It gives me pleasure to think that... think that... I'm a little blank. But definitely, I enjoyed it. Hahaha...
I"m a little dumb today. I feel like my IQ has plunged to its lowest.
La~ La~ La~
Oh, which brought to my attention. Apparently, last week, I went for Christian Fellowship meeting (after a long, long time) and I got to know my house mate's lecturer and supervisor. He was friends with my friends! What coincidence. I think it was great that I met with new people. He's friendly and so is his other friend. They shared with me light-hearted moments while they were studying back in UKM as well. Until today I don't understand why people are proud to say that they are from a local varsity. I, for one, am not proud. Even what they said, it's only merely their opinion. But I don't care. People have their own fair shar of experiences. It maybe useful to me in the future, but it's for me to discover before I meet another young and witty person just like me.
Lately, I was contemplating on a career in HR. After my unsuccessful interview with Shell, I realized that I didn't want a career in HR. It's not that I became discouraged. Even before the interview, I realized that I don't want to work in an office. I want a work where I can be free... I still don't understand this context of 'freedom' yet but I'm suspecting that I like working with children. Even though I hate their talcum powder laced with afternoon's fish porridge and morning's milk that smells like yoghurt going really bad, I still like to humour them. I know this because I used to help out annually at my church's VBS (Vacation Bible School). It's so fun to teach children to sing and dance. That's what I enjoyed doing a lot. Hmm... So, I was thinking lately about doing my post-graduate studies and if possible, gain reputable qualification to teach children. I have a music diploma already. I just need more knowledge so I can know how to teach that's all.
Career in HR, I guess I can pick it up anytime. But whatever it is, I'm waiting to see which comes first, my post-grad studies or my work. Seems that doing post-grad is not cheap, especially when I'm thinking of going abroad... particularly Australia or UK.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 3:49 PM
Sunday, October 01, 2006
My arms nearly tore apart as I walked the dog at night. There was a local mooncake festival party organized by the local neighbourhood watch. My dad's part of the committee and I thought I should just go and see for myself. My mother said it wasn't happening. Maybe there isn't enough aunties with growing pains of raising teenage-turning-adult children. Sometimes, I wondered what is a responsibility of a wife...
As far as I'm concerned, I would like to always be supporting things that my husband do. Like my father, he's part of the local neighbourhood watch committee who planned and organized this event and I thought my mother should be there as well contributing and supporting what my dad does. Well, to me, it's like organizing a party and there isn't a hostess that will stand by yourside, hook her arms with yours and go around entertaining and wishing guests. I think I watched too much TV.
Well, I went over and sat alone most of the time with my dog. She couldn't sit still and my fingers are still red and painful when I exert pressure onto my palms. It's a little inflamed. Everybody like the dog. She's a dalmation alright, a companion for kids (I thank Disney's 101 Dalmations for popularizing the dog. Haha!!). I sat around the corners of the field and watch the crowds moving along with the party. No good looking guys there. Well, wrong party it seems. It's a local community party where housewives gather to update each other on gossips and men on the other hand talk about 'worldly' issues of business and white-collar jobs. Children went along with other children instantly from stranger to acquaintances as they lit their lanterns and played with candles. I felt old and young at the same time as I'm in between both worlds right now. The transition period is making me a little lost in my own existence.
My heart flew high up into the distant night sky. My gazes were lost in the crowds as I started staring off into space. I wonder what's wrong with me... I want to receive a hug and a pat on the head. *sigh* I talked to my dog silently in my heart. How lucky that she can live a simple life. She's happy when she's taken out for a run, played with, given a bone as a treat, and patted on her head. She's unhappy when nobody wants to be next to her.
Mooncake festival's coming falling this Monday I think. The moon will be full and even if the entire world blacked out without electricity, the pale moon glow would suffice to lit even the darkest corners of the earth. The eerie beauty of the moon light makes your skin feel light and glows in a pale sickly colour. I feel that it's pretty. Walking along the cracked pathways, you can see your own shadow following closely by. I don't know what will I be doing in university though. Maybe I should buy a box of candles and slowly lit them until the night's settled in for me to sleep.
I feel lonely at times like these. It's my own imagination that I play around with so much. I always see myself like I'm watching a movie.
I'm getting fat again. I haven't exercised at all this entire week and I feel lousy and down.
I think I should sleep or at least try to sleep. There's morning service at church. After last night's wake to finish watching the Taiwanese drama, my clock's ticking the other way around again.
Posted by 青い[ aoi ] at 1:53 AM